The Weight II: Grief & Answers

**Warning: this post addresses infant loss, if you’re sensitive to infant loss, please do not continue reading**
 
In the early stages of my weight loss I downloaded My Fitness Pal (MFP) and set a goal to lose 2 pounds a week.  I felt like that was realistic given that I was so overweight.  (What I did not understand at that point was I can weigh and control everything that goes into my mouth, I can track and control my steps, but I cannot control how much weight I can lose weekly.)  This mindset of thinking I could control the number on the scale brought me tons of anxiety and shame that I wasn’t losing as fast or as much as I felt I could be.  I am so thankful that today I have learned that I need to focus on habits and not the results. 
 
I lost 17 pounds on MFP and I was starting to feel so much better.  I knew this was barely enough to get to my ultimate weight loss goal, but I was proud that I had made progress!  One day, I noticed that I seemed swollen around my ankles and other changes in my body and I just knew I was pregnant.  I took a test and sure enough it was positive.   Ten weeks later, I miscarried.
 
I was heartbroken and I was down for the count.  I remember googling “what should I expect during a miscarriage,” desperate to mentally prepare myself for what was to come.  Nothing I found could've prepared me for what I felt during this time.  I expected to feel immensely sad, I did not expect to feel guilt and shame
 
The shame I felt for even being pregnant when I was so overweight, the shame of feeling like my body had forsaken me, the guilt and shame of letting my family down weighed so heavily on my heart that I didn’t sleep for days on end, crying through the night while the kids were asleep so that I could have a brave face when they were awake.  My chest felt so heavy that I could barely breathe every time my 4-year-old insisted there was a baby in my belly and I had to explain it all over again.  I felt like I had aged 20 years in 5 days from sheer exhaustion.
 
Blessings in the form of a loving husband that held me throughout this time and of a family that circled the wagons to help us get through flooded our lives.  Strong, caring women that had been through the same pain, some multiple times messaged me on Facebook and text me and told me that I wasn’t alone and that it will get better.  My Church family opened its arms, and the ladies were full of hugs and comfort the first Sunday morning back.  
 
There was a lot of frustration with God at first and I had a lot of questions for Him that I know will never be answered.  I just couldn’t understand why things like that happen to anyone.  Deep down, I knew that while God cannot always protect us from bad things happening in our lives, he will walk beside us and carry us through them. I know that more now today than ever because that is what He did for me during this time and times before.  I just had to trust Him. 
 
Grief is such a cumbersome thing.  When you are in the beginning of it you see no end. Then suddenly one day you wake up and realize that it’s time to move on, you cannot live there anymore in grief.  There is guilt at the beginning of moving on from grief, but it gives way to relief.  There will always be waves of grief triggered by the smallest things, like a sleepy baby at the supermarket, but eventually you bounce back a little quicker, you can breathe and celebrate what could have been.  Moving on doesn’t mean you loved any less, it means you understand having to love yourself to move forward.  Wherever you are, it is never God's intention for you to remain suspended in grief.
 
Moving forward for me meant focusing on my health and doing so seriously.  The OBGYN I met through the experience had me in and asked me if I wanted to try for another baby.  I was honest with him and said I am not even going to think about having another until I am at a healthy weight and feel healthy.  He said he understood and said he could help me get healthy if I was serious, to which I replied I was and let’s do this.
 
My first step was a round of bloodwork and labs to check all my hormone levels, thyroid level, insulin level, and A1C level.  This is where the red flags began going up.  My insulin levels were through the roof, my thyroid levels were way out of normal parameters as well.  After this, my physical, and exam, I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), hypothyroidism, and insulin resistance.  My Doctor prescribed Synthroid and Metformin to help with my levels.
 
These diagnoses explain so much about what had happened to my body and having these answers helped me move forward more resolutely towards getting healthy.  PCOS is a type of hormonal disorder. Hypothyroidism is an issue where your thyroid is not producing enough hormones.  I felt like my body had changed so much after having my daughter in 2012, I knew something was different, but being a new mom, I put everyone else ahead of listening to my body. 
 
PCOS, insulin resistance, and thyroid issues mean that, for me, weight loss is going to be hard, but it will happen.  It will just take time. Now that I know it will take time anyway, I decided I need to focus on developing healthy habits.
 
After talking with my Doctor about the best approach nutrition wise, I asked what he thought about Weight Watchers.  He said he loves it, so that is what I decided on.  I credit this Doctor to saving my life.  No one else took the time to really see me and my problems further than my obesity.  He looked at me and saw me.  He treated me as a human being that needed to know what was going on with my body and that it wasn’t just because I was overweight.  Because of him, my Husband and I both joined Weight Watchers online and began our journey together.
 
Having answers is a relief.  Now that I know what’s going on with my body, it helped me to know what I needed to focus on to repair it. I had lost 17 lbs before joining Weight Watchers and my Weight Watchers beginning weight is 379.2lbs.
 
If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are not alone and it is your turn for answers.  Find a Doctor that truly sees you, listens to you, and will help you on your journey.