The Weight: Beginnings

397.7 is a number that has plagued me.  Every time I looked in the mirror, looked at my tired squinty eyes, red face, and heard my labored, wheezy breathing, all I could see through all of it was that number. 397.7. I had reduced myself to this number and every bad thing that I have heard people say about me:  She’s a dog, keep her chained up, she said to my Husband.  She’s ugly.  She’s a monster.  She’s a fat**s.  Sawah, she says you’re fat…it goes on and on.  I kept eating those words and before I knew it, I became full of their hate for me.  I binged on anything and everything and I stepped on the scale one day at 397.7lbs.  I cried.  I hated myself. Everything hurt.  My feet, my knees, my back, every joint, every muscle, my brain…my heart. 397.7 pounds.  Mentally, the once positive person I was had been replaced by negativity and darkness.  I could tell the person I had become was chasing away the people I loved.  The weight was taking its toll and life was passing me by. 
 
In September of 2015, my body was beginning to hit its limit.  I was waking up with my face swollen beyond recognition, my lips were so huge they began to crack.  I was on round after round of steroids; shots first, then step down pills, which fueled my binge eating and hate for myself even more.  This went on for months. To everyone around me I tried to be happy-go-lucky Sarah, but inside I felt like a prisoner of my own body.
 
In December of 2015, my body hit its limit.  I had binged the whole morning on the 2-and-a-half-hour trip out of town to shop with family. Once there, I became so sick, I thought I had come down with a stomach virus.  I couldn’t stop sweating or throwing up.  Every time I thought I had reached the bottom of my stomach, there was always more.  Even though I was so sick, I was prepared to eat as much as I could at our traditional dinner at a Tuscan restaurant.  That was my mindset, I was out of control and I couldn’t stop.  I was so sick though, I couldn’t hold more than a small sip of water.  My stomach hurt so bad, I joked with my Husband that it was because I was using those stomach muscles I haven’t used in years.  That night as we drove home, I had to hold my belly and brace for each bump but waves of pain would still reverberate through my body as sweat dripped from my face. 
 
I remember my Husband getting ready for work, “please let me take you to the hospital,” I heard him say.  I was too stubborn and embarrassed that I had let myself get this big. The last thing I wanted to do was go to a hospital where a doctor would think my issue was only my weight—I was still in total denial.  I told him I was going to give it time, but I held back from him that the pain in my abdomen was so great that I was to the point that I couldn’t breathe in all the way.  He left for work and my Mom came and sat with me.  I could see the concern in her eyes.  I finally broke down and admitted I was having issues breathing and she took control at that point, getting me to the E.R.  From there it was a whirlwind.  My doctors and nurses were wonderful and treated me with such respect and care, and they explained-When I had been on round after round of steroids for three months due to the swollen face, they had masked issues I had with my pancreas.  I had pancreatitis. Had I waited much longer to go to the E.R., I wouldn’t be here today.
 
When you’re in the hospital, you have a lot of time to think about things.  There were moments of panic when I was alone, trying to comprehend what was happening.  Between the pain meds and antibiotics, I would have waves of clarity.  What was I doing?  God has given me this beautiful life, this body, and I’m just wasting it all!  I have two beautiful kids and a man that would walk through fire for me…it was my turn to walk through fire for them and for myself.  I remember praying, with tears rolling down my cheeks in the dark hours of early morning.  I asked God to change my heart; to help me remember and recapture the light I had all those years ago before I let the world in, before I valued what other people thought about me over Him.  I woke up that next morning a new person and I haven’t looked back.  Yes, I’ve had hard days, but every day I choose to fight for myself.
 
And so, my journey began with a starting weight of 397.7lbs. This is not just a journey to just lose weight.  This is a journey to get healthy…A journey to love myself, a journey to live.
 
I’m writing this for those that have my same issues…I don’t want you to drive yourself as close to death as I did.  I want you to see and remember your value and your power.  I want you to know that this life is a precious gift. I want you to know that you can do this.