Return from loss

​This has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever written or shared here, but I know I need to share this to move forward and hopefully others that are struggling or have gone through this can somehow benefit knowing you are not alone.

Obviously it has been awhile since I’ve shared anything here. I’m not sure where to start to explain my absence, so I’m just going to be honest. 

I had a miscarriage that began on November 28th with what we believe was twins. My hormone levels have been all over the place throughout December and continue to be. (Thanks to my thyroid and PCOS and whatever else may be going on). I will soon begin testing to figure out my issues and hopefully see if we can try again successfully. 

Honestly, my heart is just broken over this loss and it’s been a lot harder to get back to my normal this time than after my first miscarriage.

While I was emotional, the hustle and bustle of the busy holiday season allowed me to go on auto pilot to get everything done between Christmas, Church, and work. I poured all my thoughts and mind into planning everything and kept putting my feelings off. I call it robot mode. 

After putting away all the Christmas and slowing down to take in the silence, I sat in an empty room. The grief crept in. At first it was a small trickle, then it turned into aching waves. Lately it has become overwhelming. In the quiet moments, grief will always be there. Grief doesn’t care who you are or how educated you are, what kind of car you drive, or how much money you make. My heart just aches for what could have been, instead of yet another empty chair at our table. 

Right now I’m working my way through this and getting myself into the right headspace.  I have gained a lot of weight back, I’m not worried about that, I will conquer it again. I went from hardly having sugar to eating all the sugar, well and everything else. 

I am back and focusing on living forwards in 2019.  With my anxiety I am one that tends to become stuck in grief, so it’s important for me to look and live forward. 

I’ve also decided I’m going to spend this year unabashedly loving people and showing them how much I appreciate them. I just cannot bear the negative and sadness I’ve been in any longer and don’t want to leave anyone that may be there as well.